5 Mistakes I'll Never Make Again

    As made evident by the title, this post evolved from my past mistakes.  These mistakes have shaped me as a human being.  I now have a clearer perspective on the world.  If these mistakes had not been made by me, I might have ended up nothing more than a ragamuffin, constantly pulling shenanigan-like stunts.  Enjoy.

1)  Once upon a time, I was a naïve child attempting to come off as intelligent.  Ultimately, this resulted in using words with which I had little understanding.  Originally, I thought that the word "harlot" held the same meaning as "minx" or "cunning".  Well, I learned the hard way that this was not the truth.  One night, I was texting a girl (who shall remain nameless).  Being nothing more than a ingenuous 14 year old, attempting to flirt proved to be a more difficult endeavor than anticipated.  I called the girl a "harlot", thinking nothing of it.  After a few minutes of no response, I began to ponder what may have occurred.  As I revised my previous texts, I decided to research the word "harlot", just to make sure it meant what I intended.  Sliding my fingers across the phone's keyboard, I grew more and more agitated.  As a singled tear of sweat dripped down my face and the definition of "harlot" appeared, I understood the consequences of my actions.

2)  About 2 years ago, I discovered that I am lactose-intolerant.  Obviously, I was not going to change my dairy consuming habits just because it makes my stomach explode.  One night, I was out at a mall with some friends.  We ordered some milkshakes to fulfill our desire for chocolate.  Almost immediately, my stomach began to rumble.  We started strolling throughout the mall to explore.  Stopping in front of a smoothie store, I decided to release the gas that was building up inside me.  This resulted in complete and utter destruction.  Two ENORMOUS middle aged women walked by and halted at the uninvited smell that entered their nostrils.  They began throwing around accusations, claiming that somebody in my group "ripped HARD".  Thrown off by the confidence of these women in saying something so low-class, I blamed it on my friend.  At this point, nobody was sure of who committed this terrible act.  This relieved me, and my stomach.

3)  Many of my pants have small holes in the crotch area from performing countless power-slides on my knees.  Basically, this is when you run and fall to your knees to see how far you can slide.  On this specific day, my pants and boxers BOTH ripped.  I think you can see where this is going.  Long story short, it did not end well.  I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy.

4)  Over my few years of life, I've experienced many things.  I've accumulated much knowledge throughout my travels.  One warm August day, I assisted an old woman who worked at the elementary school I attended.  I was accompanied by four friends as we helped the elderly woman move books around a storage closet.  As she leaned over, a noise emerged from her hind-quarters.  In complete disbelief, we all looked at each other for an explanation, wondering who just demolished all of our senses of smell.  Who executed this stunt?  We realized that the feat was performed by none other than the old woman.  How bourgeois!  This taught me one of the most useful lessons of my life: never hang out with old people. 

5)  As a young man, farting is funny.  I fart everywhere.  I fart at home.  I fart in the library.  I fart at school.  I fart at the store.  I fart in the car.  I fart out the car window.  I fart EVERYWHERE.  Think of any place you've ever been.  I've probably farted there.  However, there is only one situation in which I would not fart.  I learned the worst way possible.  One Sunday, I was visiting my grandfather in the nursing home.  My stomach was an absolute ticking time-bomb that day.  As I pushed my grandfather in his wheelchair out of the cafeteria, I let the intestinal gas free.  My grandfather and I escaped easily, as we were leaving the room.  However, the old people who were left in the room playing bridge and talking about how their kids never visit were trapped.  If these elders were just a few years younger, they could have escaped with us.  However, being on the brink of death, they were too slow to escape the complete mayhem I had created.  It was too late for me to go back and help.  All I could do was watch as these men and women cried for it to just end.  They didn't want to go home.  They didn't care enough to go home.  Whatever miniscule amount of life they still had was soiled, along with my pants.  Old people are too slow to escape farts.  Lesson: never fart around old people unless they deserve it.