NHL 2001

       I think we can agree that NHL 2001 holds the position of best video game ever made.  With the horrifying graphics and the most unrealistic goals, NHL 2001 continues to amuse all, even 13 years later. 
        As in all of the NHL video games, a fighting feature has been incorporated.  When two players disagree over who hit whom or what happened in the previous play, the two hockey athletes begin to thoughtlessly whale on each other until the other guy hits the floor.  The winner of the fight just stands there.  Literally.    

                                                    NOT AN ACTUAL NHL 2001 FIGHT

       Along with the unrealistic fighting comes a supernatural speed.  One Player has the ability to use a speed boost.  Yes, at first this sounds pretty normal.  The player can go fast for a minute or two.  No.  This means a player can move around like the little kid from the Incredibles for an unlimited amount of time.  This basically means that you cannot comprehend what is occurring on your television screen without complete focus. 

                                              ALSO NOT ACTUAL NHL 2001 PLAYER

       You may start to think now about how this game holds such a high reputation with all these "flaws".  You see, these "flaws" are not actually flaws.  These characteristics set apart NHL 2001 from NHL 2014.  Sports video games nowadays attempt to enhance the graphics as much as possible and basically make the game as real as possible.  I think I can stand for the whole human race when I say, "YAWN!!!!".  These characteristics make the game awesome.  Finally, one holds the opportunity to score ridiculous goals and skate at ridiculous speeds that EA sports is trying to demolish.  For example, in 2001, the fighting in the NHL video games was 3rd person.  Yes, this looked absolutely ridiculous and exciting.  In the new games, the fighting is 1st person.  This is to make everything more realistic.  EA sports wants all their players to have a feel for what being on the ice is really like.  I DON'T GIVE HALF A NUMBER TWO PENCIL ABOUT WHAT BEING ON THE ICE IS REALLY LIKE.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS TRAVEL AT IMPOSSIBLE SPEEDS AND KNOCK OPPOSING PLAYERS DOWN FOR MY ENJOYMENT.
                                         THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES
    

 

 

ALSO HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES

 

 

 

 

This is what I want to do to new NHL games

 

 

 

 

Thanks for reading guys!  Happy Saint Paddy's Week!

 

 

 

Dear Modern Day Technology

    I think we can agree that you,  modern day technology, are an enormous pile of hippo feces.  Every day whenever anything happens, you assist a child shunning the people in their presence by watching strangers twerk on Vine or something.  Any and every conversation these days is made up of two major components: the person trying to make conversation and the person idly scrolling through their news feed.  The person on their phone might as well just say this.                         


     I will never see the purpose in this.  As a child, when I wasn't killing henchman in GoldenEye or watching SpongeBob, I was outside playing games.  I was acting like a child.  At times, I may have been too childish.

   

     Children these days occasionally go outside.  Most times, they locate a shady area so as not to have glares on their $1,000 IPads.  Why, World?  Why must we ignore our surroundings to feel comforted.  You are the equivalent of cans being dragged along as a "Just Married" car drives by.  At first, all is happy until that terrible scraping sound occurs.  You know what I think of you, technology?

Teachers

          "Ok, Freshman, Sophmores... Settle down. This next award goes out to the members of the swim team. We have had a wonderful season. There were fifteen swimmers and two divers. Out of this group, eleventeen have been accepted into Varsity.  Please hold your applause until all names are called.  The teacher proceeds to list the names of the students who had participated in fall sports.
           "Did he just say 'eleventeen'? " a kid asks next to me.
            I look around while I reply "He couldn't have..." I say.  I continue to peer around too see everybody giggling.  "Scratch that.  He did...."

 10 years later

High School Reunion

 

           "Hey, Mike.  Remember that time Mr./Mrs. ------- said 'eleventeen'?" a former fellow student asks.

            "HAHAHA YES!"

 



Barber Shops

Today, I went to the barber shop to get a haircut. The price is one of the cheapest in the area. This means it is a crowded area at most times. Today was my weirdest experience at this shop, and I've been going since I had hair. It started out like a normal trip to the barber shop. However, it escalated very quickly.

During this story, I am in a chair waiting to get my haircut. A little boy was in the chair closest to me getting his hair cut. As the barber turns away to get the scissors, the expression on his face his neutral. As the barber turns to face him, he makes a face like he is horrified. I watched this for a few minutes. I studied his expressions and why he made them. Over much time and research(about 3 minutes), I discovered that he was only doing this to be a pain in the neck to his mom. He just wanted to annoy her for getting his hair cut. Really? This is what the child looked like when his mission was a success and his mom became angry.

What happened next was probably weirdest. I saw an old, bald man enter the shop. Let's all take a moment and think about that sentence. Yes. The barber wasn't sure what to do. He accepted the man into sitting in the chair. I think it was just for the money, but he pretended to give the old man a haircut. Literally, he combed the old man's shiny scalp and went over it with a razor a few times. What has the world come to? Next, I went to my barber to get my haircut. Now, I speak some broken Spanish. I know a few words here and there. I can piece together a few sentences. Ok, now back to the story. My barber loves my brother. Every time I go to him, he asks about my brother. My brother is a saint. He is literally an angel to everybody who meets him. So, as everybody knows, barbers always speak a foreign language, making us skeptical of who they are talking about. Today, my barber said, "Me gusta su hermano mayor más.". This means, "I like his older brother more." Thanks, Mr. Barber.

Things I Hate

You know those things that you just despise, and they consistently happen to you? I can name a million. I've decided to make a list. 1. I hate those websites that automatically play a video as soon as you enter it. The other day, I wanted to discover the rates of rental equipment on a paintball website. as soon as I enter, I am greeted with a video of a sweaty man talking about his family paintball business. Really? Really? NOBODY CARES. 2. I hate when I am carrying a load of stuff, whatever it is, and I drop ONE thing. I lean over to pick it up. Another thing or two falls. This process continues for about 30 seconds. Eventually, I grow impatient and throw the objects on the ground. It looks something like this.

3. I hate laptop chargers than constantly fall out. As I write this, I struggle to not smash this laptop on the ground, similarly to the picture above. I wish I was joking. 4. I hate when I get a present and the plastic around it is ridiculously difficult to cut open. This frustrates me to the absolute maximum. If you don't want somebody to steal it, put it in those cage things. This way, when somebody decides to buy the product, they can actually use the product they have purchased. Otherwise, the customer attempts to shoot Ipads with real bullets just to open them. This is the final product.

Vegetarians 101

"No, I can't have meat. I'm a vegetarian." she says. This is a way of life I will never understand. Animals were put here to be killed, placed in an oven, and maliciously shoved into our mouths to satisfy hunger. Meanwhile, we have vegetarians and vegans who believe this wrong. "Why are you a vegetarian?" I ask her. "I believe that killing animals is wrong. They wouldn't kill us if they could think! I am not strong enough to know that I am eating an animal when I have a burger." "You know, you would be strong if you had protein. You know where protein comes from, right? What is a large, natural source of protein?" "Shut up..." she says with a chuckle. The waitress appears through the crowded restaurant. "Alright, what can I get you guys. Our special tonight is the veggie burger. It is only 3 dollars." "Why is your special a veggie burger? Why not like a soup or something? Everybody wants meat, right?" Everybody in the restaurant goes silent immediately. On the other side of the restaurant I hear a glass fall. Every eye in the place is fixated on me. "It's national Vegetarian Day..." the waitress says quietly. "The special is the only item we've sold today. "I'll have the special." she says. "Not going to happen. I will have the All-American Steak with extra bacon. I mean literally. Throw on all the bacon you have, I don't mind the price. Also, We will have the mini burgers with bacon on the side as our appetizer. Thanks very much." I say. I sure showed those vegetarian turd faces. I ate all the meat. I left a tip of some table salt and a nickel. #fightthevegetarians #leadtheway #meatrules #eataburgertoday #revolution #teammike

The Mike Clan