Tuesday, January 5, 2016

10 Most Likely Celebrities to Die in 2016


10 Most Likely Celebrities to Die in 2016

            2016 is officially underway.  While people rejoice at the commencement of a new year, I have decided to predict which celebrities will “pass on to a better place” over the next 365 days.  This may seem insensitive.  However, I do not mean to offend anyone.  These are merely estimations based on age and physical status of certain individuals.  Enjoy!

NOT IN ANY ORDER

1)  Queen Elizabeth II- This year may not be so “brilliant” (commonly used British word) for this 89 year old gem.  Let’s hope she makes it to “holiday” (another commonly used British word)!

2)  Miley Cyrus- This year may not be such a “Party in the USA” for this wild one.  At only 23 years old, Miley makes our list for partying a bit too hard!

3)  Betty White- Betty White is now 93 years old.  She will be 94 this January.  Though Betty is on this list as a celebrity, I have absolutely no clue what she does.  Seriously Betty, step it up. 

4)  Larry King- This 82 year old “walking goblin” is basically a rotting corpse already. 

5) Clint Eastwood- At 85 years old, Clint is still terrifying.  Clint’s year may involve more “Gran Burials” than Gran Torinos…

6)  Jack Nicholson-  At 78 years old, Jack may not appear to be as close to a casket as one may think.  However, this cigar lover’s year may not be so “shiny”, as he looks like he croaked 5 years ago. 

7)  Robert De Niro- At only 72 years old, this prediction is a mere shot in the dark.  Your cheek mole will not be missed, Bob!  Enjoy your silver lined casket!

8)  Lindsay Lohan- Lindsay, at 29 years old, has achieved quite a bit as a young actress.  As time grew on, She got caught up with some of the wrong people, had a donnybrook here and there, and as a result, made this list.  She’s not a “mean girl”; she simply went down the wrong path.

9)  Macaulay Culkin- At 35 years old, this former child star rocked our homes with his Christmas joy.  Itty bitty Kevin McCallister is gone, and poor Macaulay is all that’s left.  Don’t worry, Macaulay, we will bury you with your hands on your cheeks.

10)  “WHAT IS” Alex Trebek- At 75 years old, Alex has lived a great life.  Another shot in the dark, this is a complete guess.  His death would come as a shock.  I hope he makes it.  

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Barber Shop Round 2: Barber's Revenge

   What is happening?  What is happening?  These are the only words my mind could conjure  as I spectated my golden locks of magical wonder departing from my kiwi-scented scalp.  What is happening?  What is happening? 
  For those of you who may know, I get my haircut at the worst barber shop on Long Island.  Despite the fact that the haircut is the cheapest in the tri-state area, and the fact that I look adorable after, I would NOT recommend this barber shop.  The atmosphere of the place is enough to murder a man.  I always make sure to have some sort of make-shift weapon available in my pocket, just in case a donnybrook breaks out.
   Today, I arrived at the barber shop in the cold and miserable weather (much like the atmosphere in the shop).  My barber was a Russian man who spoke mostly in short phrases .  "Welcome comrade!" As I shook his hand, my nostrils were unpleasantly greeted with the strong scent of alcoholic egg-nog.  Good God.  This is unbelievable! Is he drunk?  How do I get out of this?  His hands began shaking as he slurred his words. 
    Now, every time I visit my barber for a cut (we'll call him ###), he always asks me the same questions. 
1)  How your brother?!- This has some backstory.  ### used to cut my brother's hair, UNTIL my brother decided the haircut "wasn't what he expected" because he "wanted it shorter".  Now, my brother goes to a different barber.  This ultimately leads to ### constantly asking about my brother, as ### greatly prefers him. 
2)  You got girlfriend?!-  This is the worst one.  YEAH!  GO AHEAD AND RUB IT IN, ###!  WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT SO JUST SHUT THE **** UP! 
 
By this point, ### has defeated all sense of dignity that I have accumulated to go the barber in the first place.  As made evident, I despise going to the barber shop.  The drunken barbers, competition between my brother and me, and the fact that I am currently single combine to form the perfect storm for sadness.  I am currently working on a product that allows the user to push out his or her hair to the desired length, or retract hair back into the scalp to avoid haircuts.  Stay tuned, and have a good weekend!
didn't come out too shabby :)

Thursday, July 30, 2015

5 Mistakes I'll Never Make Again

    As made evident by the title, this post evolved from my past mistakes.  These mistakes have shaped me as a human being.  I now have a clearer perspective on the world.  If these mistakes had not been made by me, I might have ended up nothing more than a ragamuffin, constantly pulling shenanigan-like stunts.  Enjoy.

1)  Once upon a time, I was a naïve child attempting to come off as intelligent.  Ultimately, this resulted in using words with which I had little understanding.  Originally, I thought that the word "harlot" held the same meaning as "minx" or "cunning".  Well, I learned the hard way that this was not the truth.  One night, I was texting a girl (who shall remain nameless).  Being nothing more than a ingenuous 14 year old, attempting to flirt proved to be a more difficult endeavor than anticipated.  I called the girl a "harlot", thinking nothing of it.  After a few minutes of no response, I began to ponder what may have occurred.  As I revised my previous texts, I decided to research the word "harlot", just to make sure it meant what I intended.  Sliding my fingers across the phone's keyboard, I grew more and more agitated.  As a singled tear of sweat dripped down my face and the definition of "harlot" appeared, I understood the consequences of my actions.

2)  About 2 years ago, I discovered that I am lactose-intolerant.  Obviously, I was not going to change my dairy consuming habits just because it makes my stomach explode.  One night, I was out at a mall with some friends.  We ordered some milkshakes to fulfill our desire for chocolate.  Almost immediately, my stomach began to rumble.  We started strolling throughout the mall to explore.  Stopping in front of a smoothie store, I decided to release the gas that was building up inside me.  This resulted in complete and utter destruction.  Two ENORMOUS middle aged women walked by and halted at the uninvited smell that entered their nostrils.  They began throwing around accusations, claiming that somebody in my group "ripped HARD".  Thrown off by the confidence of these women in saying something so low-class, I blamed it on my friend.  At this point, nobody was sure of who committed this terrible act.  This relieved me, and my stomach.

3)  Many of my pants have small holes in the crotch area from performing countless power-slides on my knees.  Basically, this is when you run and fall to your knees to see how far you can slide.  On this specific day, my pants and boxers BOTH ripped.  I think you can see where this is going.  Long story short, it did not end well.  I wouldn't wish this upon even my worst enemy.

4)  Over my few years of life, I've experienced many things.  I've accumulated much knowledge throughout my travels.  One warm August day, I assisted an old woman who worked at the elementary school I attended.  I was accompanied by four friends as we helped the elderly woman move books around a storage closet.  As she leaned over, a noise emerged from her hind-quarters.  In complete disbelief, we all looked at each other for an explanation, wondering who just demolished all of our senses of smell.  Who executed this stunt?  We realized that the feat was performed by none other than the old woman.  How bourgeois!  This taught me one of the most useful lessons of my life: never hang out with old people. 

5)  As a young man, farting is funny.  I fart everywhere.  I fart at home.  I fart in the library.  I fart at school.  I fart at the store.  I fart in the car.  I fart out the car window.  I fart EVERYWHERE.  Think of any place you've ever been.  I've probably farted there.  However, there is only one situation in which I would not fart.  I learned the worst way possible.  One Sunday, I was visiting my grandfather in the nursing home.  My stomach was an absolute ticking time-bomb that day.  As I pushed my grandfather in his wheelchair out of the cafeteria, I let the intestinal gas free.  My grandfather and I escaped easily, as we were leaving the room.  However, the old people who were left in the room playing bridge and talking about how their kids never visit were trapped.  If these elders were just a few years younger, they could have escaped with us.  However, being on the brink of death, they were too slow to escape the complete mayhem I had created.  It was too late for me to go back and help.  All I could do was watch as these men and women cried for it to just end.  They didn't want to go home.  They didn't care enough to go home.  Whatever miniscule amount of life they still had was soiled, along with my pants.  Old people are too slow to escape farts.  Lesson: never fart around old people unless they deserve it. 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Trip to the Barber Shop

After a long day of sleep and drool,
I finally return home from school.
I look in the mirror, to see if I look cool,
My family tells me I need a haircut.
Why must they be so cruel?

They proceed to tell me I look like a mutt.
This is a real blow to the gut.
I walk away, through the door I have now shut.
I guess they are right.
My hair looks a little like King Tut.

To the barber shop, I take flight.
My hair gave the barber quite a fright.
I tell him "please just cut it right?"
At this, he shows pity on me.
All he says to this is "alright"

Now that my hair is cut, I feel free.
I look in the mirror and shout "WHOOPEEE!"
This was more successful than the Battle of the Philippine Sea.
I look at the barber, and shake his hand.
I'm so happy! (to a tolerable degree)

This haircut is so grand!
I return back home, ready to take a firm stand.
My family looks at me and says "It's so bland"
I stare at the ground, ready to punch an ostrich in the face.
All I can think to say is, "this did not go as planned..."


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Grapes of Smash

      Yesterday, I was at the beach reading the Grapes of Wrath.  A bee kept flying around my family and me.  I decided after about five minutes that I had to do something about the problem.  As the bee  flew next my sister and landed on her back, I yell for her to run.  The bee falls off her back and heads towards me.  PLAY DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYj8ciqAPcA
       Not knowing what to do, I firmly grasp the Grapes of Wrath.  I fall into a new character.  Just as Joad in the Grapes of Wrath, I murder my enemy; in this case, the enemy is a yellowjacket.  As I bring the 453 pages of pure beauty to the tiny creature, this bug goes flying(AGAINTS ITS WILL) through the air.  I killed the little beast.  TURN OFF DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE
       I won.  Not only did I defeat this bug, but I also used a new bug killing technique.  You're welcome.  Below is a gif describing the Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy. 
     
                                      

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Bug Killing Techniques

      Ever since I was a little boy, I enjoyed discovering new techniques for killing bugs.  From chemicals to Nerf guns, I use all I can grab within an arm's reach to slaughter these terrible creatures.  This post will describe the numerous techniques I've tested in my years with hopes that you may utilize my tips.  Good luck.

 Tip 1: Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy
WHAT YOU NEED:
Swiffer Sweeper
Victim on a solid surface(carpet will work, but carcass will be tough to pick up later)
Napkin/paper towel to pick up dead bug
Angry face(this bug deserves it. You know it.  I know it.  No mercy.)
Strong stomach(dead bug will be bloody and crushed.  The bug accepted the outcome.  Can you?)
Finally, strong fingers to crush the bug's body when in the napkin.  This is the double tap technique.
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak up on the insect.  If the bug is a hopper, sneaking is super essential.  Slowly lift the cleaning tool and bring it down quickly on the bug.  If you hit the bug, hold position with the Swiffer covering the victim.  To ensure that the bug isn't alive, twist the Swiffer until you know it is dead.  Good luck.

 Tip 2:  Airsoft gun/bee-bee gun/ slingshot technique
WHAT YOU NEED:
Self explanatory
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak is essential.  Get ready to get dirty.  The bug will explode on impact.  Though this is fun because it makes the assassin feel powerful, cleanup almost ruins the fun part.  Is it worth it?  Good luck.

Tip 3:  Fun with chemicals
WHAT YOU NEED:
Hair spray of any kind
Cleaning spray
Really anything in a spray bottle
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Spray bug.  This slows it down.  Grab bug.  Use double tap technique.  Done.
This technique is my personal favorite because it especially works on fliers: bees, flies, etc.  Crickets usually jump and freak out the sprayer.  With the spray technique, the cricket starts to get sticky and can't jump.  ADVICE: after spraying bug, use a toned down version of Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy technique to ensure the bugs death.  Unexpected jumps or flights when trying to carry out the double tap technique is horrifying.  Good luck.



If you are able to utilize any of these tips, please comment and tell me.  If you have any techniques I failed to mention, COMMENT THEM!!!   Whoever writes the best technique wins.  You don't win anything except bragging rights.  Good luck, and happy bug killing/ Lollipop Day!
                                                           Stay Classy San Diego