Thursday, October 30, 2014

Trip to the Barber Shop

After a long day of sleep and drool,
I finally return home from school.
I look in the mirror, to see if I look cool,
My family tells me I need a haircut.
Why must they be so cruel?

They proceed to tell me I look like a mutt.
This is a real blow to the gut.
I walk away, through the door I have now shut.
I guess they are right.
My hair looks a little like King Tut.

To the barber shop, I take flight.
My hair gave the barber quite a fright.
I tell him "please just cut it right?"
At this, he shows pity on me.
All he says to this is "alright"

Now that my hair is cut, I feel free.
I look in the mirror and shout "WHOOPEEE!"
This was more successful than the Battle of the Philippine Sea.
I look at the barber, and shake his hand.
I'm so happy! (to a tolerable degree)

This haircut is so grand!
I return back home, ready to take a firm stand.
My family looks at me and says "It's so bland"
I stare at the ground, ready to punch an ostrich in the face.
All I can think to say is, "this did not go as planned..."


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Grapes of Smash

      Yesterday, I was at the beach reading the Grapes of Wrath.  A bee kept flying around my family and me.  I decided after about five minutes that I had to do something about the problem.  As the bee  flew next my sister and landed on her back, I yell for her to run.  The bee falls off her back and heads towards me.  PLAY DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYj8ciqAPcA
       Not knowing what to do, I firmly grasp the Grapes of Wrath.  I fall into a new character.  Just as Joad in the Grapes of Wrath, I murder my enemy; in this case, the enemy is a yellowjacket.  As I bring the 453 pages of pure beauty to the tiny creature, this bug goes flying(AGAINTS ITS WILL) through the air.  I killed the little beast.  TURN OFF DRAMATIC MUSIC HERE
       I won.  Not only did I defeat this bug, but I also used a new bug killing technique.  You're welcome.  Below is a gif describing the Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy. 
     
                                      

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Bug Killing Techniques

      Ever since I was a little boy, I enjoyed discovering new techniques for killing bugs.  From chemicals to Nerf guns, I use all I can grab within an arm's reach to slaughter these terrible creatures.  This post will describe the numerous techniques I've tested in my years with hopes that you may utilize my tips.  Good luck.

 Tip 1: Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy
WHAT YOU NEED:
Swiffer Sweeper
Victim on a solid surface(carpet will work, but carcass will be tough to pick up later)
Napkin/paper towel to pick up dead bug
Angry face(this bug deserves it. You know it.  I know it.  No mercy.)
Strong stomach(dead bug will be bloody and crushed.  The bug accepted the outcome.  Can you?)
Finally, strong fingers to crush the bug's body when in the napkin.  This is the double tap technique.
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak up on the insect.  If the bug is a hopper, sneaking is super essential.  Slowly lift the cleaning tool and bring it down quickly on the bug.  If you hit the bug, hold position with the Swiffer covering the victim.  To ensure that the bug isn't alive, twist the Swiffer until you know it is dead.  Good luck.

 Tip 2:  Airsoft gun/bee-bee gun/ slingshot technique
WHAT YOU NEED:
Self explanatory
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak is essential.  Get ready to get dirty.  The bug will explode on impact.  Though this is fun because it makes the assassin feel powerful, cleanup almost ruins the fun part.  Is it worth it?  Good luck.

Tip 3:  Fun with chemicals
WHAT YOU NEED:
Hair spray of any kind
Cleaning spray
Really anything in a spray bottle
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Spray bug.  This slows it down.  Grab bug.  Use double tap technique.  Done.
This technique is my personal favorite because it especially works on fliers: bees, flies, etc.  Crickets usually jump and freak out the sprayer.  With the spray technique, the cricket starts to get sticky and can't jump.  ADVICE: after spraying bug, use a toned down version of Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy technique to ensure the bugs death.  Unexpected jumps or flights when trying to carry out the double tap technique is horrifying.  Good luck.



If you are able to utilize any of these tips, please comment and tell me.  If you have any techniques I failed to mention, COMMENT THEM!!!   Whoever writes the best technique wins.  You don't win anything except bragging rights.  Good luck, and happy bug killing/ Lollipop Day!
                                                           Stay Classy San Diego

Shark Attack

       I'm too tired to give an intro.  It's three in the morning and I just want to get this thought down.  This story will be very poorly written, but you'll get the gist of it, hopefully.  This is a true story.  100%.  It happened last year.
      STORY NUMER 12

       It was an overcast August day in 2013.   My brother, sister, three older male cousins, and I prepare to swim across a channel.  The channel is a quarter mile, give or take.  We swam this channel a few times before, so we knew that it was impossible to walk across because the water was around 30 feet deep, we later estimated.  This channel was located in a grove with people paddle boarding.  The general area was Myrtle Beach in South Carolina.  We've seen sharks a few times before on previous trips to Myrtle Beach and ignored them.  Halfway through the channel, my brother asks, "What are the chances of being eaten by a shark?".  My sister tries to comfort him with a simple "Don't worry about it.  It won't happen."  This didn't comfort him or me.  Immediately following this short conversation, a fishing boat on the other side of the channel yells to us.  "What are they saying?" my cousin asks.  None of us knew for sure, but we later found out they were telling us the tide was coming into the channel from the ocean, which was about 200 yards away.  I later looked up that when the tide comes in, the animals caught in the tide come in with it.  Think about that.
     So, we reach the other side.  To our surprise, we see a dead albino shark with its head cut off lying on the sand near the fishing boat.  We shake it off; who cares?  We decide we should head back and dive back in the water.  My sister gets tired and starts doing the backstroke.  After about five strokes, she veers off in the wrong direction, going to the side. We try to inform her so she can go in the correct direction, but she can't hear us because of her head being in the water.  At this point, we are a quarter of the way back.  Suddenly, my parents yell to us to come in.  I've never seen my mother so shaken up.  My first thought is that lightning struck somewhere nearby and she wanted us to get out.  As my brother and I slowly swim through the water, we realize this is more serious.  We see a huge fin sticking out of the water, headed towards my sister.  I dart in that direction, hoping to divert the giant fish from my sister's direction.  When I reach my sister,(alternate, fake ending begins here: I punch the shark in the face, but he managed to bite my foot clean off.  The other sharks in the area are drawn to my blood.  They try to tear me to bits, but I pull out my magic wand from Hogwarts and Sectum Sempra those great whites in the face, saving my sister and myself, and quite likely the world.) (CONTINUE REAL STORY HERE)(TO UNDERSTAND, WE ARE CONTINUING AT "WHEN I REACH MY SISTER"). I grab her arm and pull her closer to the shore.  My parents yell that the shark is behind us.  I hear my sister scream.  She cut her foot on a rock.  Phew.  We finally reach the sand and the shark swims away.  TEAM MIKE:1  BULL SHARK:0

                                                               STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Emotional Story

      Dearest Mike Thoughts For You Fans,

                How have you been doing lately?  I have been doing mighty fine.  Hopefully, all of you child readers out there are enjoying summer.  You scallywags are lucky, what with being off for two and a half months.  While we adults spend the summer working, you ruffians get to sit there and rot while watching reruns of Jersey Shore.  Try to do something more productive, watch midget tossing instead of the Jersey Shore.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd-sfqzFdmk  Watch fully for best results.  I digress, here comes story number 11.  I must warn you, this story is emotional for all who experienced that day, all four of us.  For full effect, I highly suggest playing the music it says to play at the certain times.  I highly, highly suggest it.  It will help the story change your life.
            Story number 11

      It was a hot, wet August day.  I was with my cousins.  We had recently created makeshift fishing poles by attaching a string around a wooden stick.  Looking back, we must have been poor. 
      Anyway, we were walking to a nearby pond.  After a long walk that seemed to be forever, we reached the pond and dropped in our lines.  Our cousins told us about a snapping turtle that lived in the pond their whole lives.  We spent the entire day before trying to catch it.  We had to redeem ourselves, for we could only rest when this creature, later named Jaws, was captured.  Once we arrived, there were a few other kids our age around the pond.  "What are you trying to catch?" I ask.  The short one of the group flips me off while the others ignore my question.  It hurts on the inside.
      My brother caught Jaws that day.  We pulled him onto the land, he bit the line and stumbled back into the water.  We were angry.  This was war.
      We stayed at the pond all day and all night.  When it was around two PM the next day, my cousin felt a nibble.  It was Jaws.  We had to knock it out to bring it home, obviously. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYj8ciqAPcA Listen to this as you read the next paragraph for maximum enjoyment.  also, read very slowly and out loud.

      We looked for something to put it in shock.  I gripped my fishing pole with both hands as I slowly lifted it.  Everything felt like slow motion as I quickly bring the stick to the turtles neck.  My back arches and arms extend as the stick flies through the air.  When the stick is only a few inches from the animal, my right arm slides up the stick toward my left hand.  The turtles pupils begin to widen, just as mine do.  The other people at the pond all anticipate what is about to happen.  My nostrils begin to flare and tongue swirls, licking my lips. My muscles seize up.  I bring the stick right to its head; it was out cold.  I pick it up by the leg and throw it in the cooler. The drive home is silent.  I could've sworn I saw a single tear drip down my brother's cheek on the ride home.  Our level of pride was incalculable.  This next part, I swear, is true.  I specifically remember this part.  We took the turtle in our backyard and plopped him on the concrete.  Jaws kept trying to escape.  I asked if I could knock him out again, but we decided it'd be more fun to try to play with it.  He kept crawling away.  We had to build a barrier that he wouldn't cross.  Everything we used, he'd crawl over.  As Jaws crawled over a barrier of pencils, I caught an idea.   As I set fire to a stack of crumpled up newspapers surrounding the poor beast, my eyes grow wider and wider and veins begin to stick out.  You could see the crazy in my eyes as I bring the Irish green lighter toward a New York Post.  The flame begins to grow.(TURN OFF MUSIC BEFORE CONTINUING)  (SWITCH TO THIS SONG)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPW8y6woTBI listen to this for final paragraph


  They eyes of Jaws seem to tear up, as I failed to take wind into account.  The wind blows the flame directly into the animal.  His slimy and rough skin turns crispy and burnt.  As we look into the fire and the animal burns, I felt regret, yet also happiness.  We conquered the beast.  In that moment, all else in the world fades out except the burning carcass of the animal we had been hunting for so many years.  Everything turns black around us.  All I see is the turtle, almost appearing to have a spotlight on him, like the star of a show.  But not today.  Jaws may have once reigned supreme.  But that day, as we all swayed back and forth with our arms on each other's shoulders watching the flaming corpse of the magnificent snapping turtle, we all felt the victory. 
(FOR FULL EFFECT, FINISH SONG WITH EYES CLOSED AND TRY TO CAPTURE HOW WE FELT)
 
                

Sunday, March 23, 2014

NHL 2001

       I think we can agree that NHL 2001 holds the position of best video game ever made.  With the horrifying graphics and the most unrealistic goals, NHL 2001 continues to amuse all, even 13 years later. 
        As in all of the NHL video games, a fighting feature has been incorporated.  When two players disagree over who hit whom or what happened in the previous play, the two hockey athletes begin to thoughtlessly whale on each other until the other guy hits the floor.  The winner of the fight just stands there.  Literally.    

                                                    NOT AN ACTUAL NHL 2001 FIGHT

       Along with the unrealistic fighting comes a supernatural speed.  One Player has the ability to use a speed boost.  Yes, at first this sounds pretty normal.  The player can go fast for a minute or two.  No.  This means a player can move around like the little kid from the Incredibles for an unlimited amount of time.  This basically means that you cannot comprehend what is occurring on your television screen without complete focus. 
                                              ALSO NOT ACTUAL NHL 2001 PLAYER

       You may start to think now about how this game holds such a high reputation with all these "flaws".  You see, these "flaws" are not actually flaws.  These characteristics set apart NHL 2001 from NHL 2014.  Sports video games nowadays attempt to enhance the graphics as much as possible and basically make the game as real as possible.  I think I can stand for the whole human race when I say, "YAWN!!!!".  These characteristics make the game awesome.  Finally, one holds the opportunity to score ridiculous goals and skate at ridiculous speeds that EA sports is trying to demolish.  For example, in 2001, the fighting in the NHL video games was 3rd person.  Yes, this looked absolutely ridiculous and exciting.  In the new games, the fighting is 1st person.  This is to make everything more realistic.  EA sports wants all their players to have a feel for what being on the ice is really like.  I DON'T GIVE HALF A NUMBER TWO PENCIL ABOUT WHAT BEING ON THE ICE IS REALLY LIKE.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS TRAVEL AT IMPOSSIBLE SPEEDS AND KNOCK OPPOSING PLAYERS DOWN FOR MY ENJOYMENT.
                                         THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES
    
 
 
ALSO HOW I FEEL ABOUT NEW NHL GAMES
 
 
 
 
This is what I want to do to new NHL games
 
 
 
 
Thanks for reading guys!  Happy Saint Paddy's Week!
 
 
 

Dear Modern Day Technology

    I think we can agree that you,  modern day technology, are an enormous pile of hippo feces.  Every day whenever anything happens, you assist a child shunning the people in their presence by watching strangers twerk on Vine or something.  Any and every conversation these days is made up of two major components: the person trying to make conversation and the person idly scrolling through their news feed.  The person on their phone might as well just say this.                         


     I will never see the purpose in this.  As a child, when I wasn't killing henchman in GoldenEye or watching SpongeBob, I was outside playing games.  I was acting like a child.  At times, I may have been too childish.






   

     Children these days occasionally go outside.  Most times, they locate a shady area so as not to have glares on their $1,000 IPads.  Why, World?  Why must we ignore our surroundings to feel comforted.  You are the equivalent of cans being dragged along as a "Just Married" car drives by.  At first, all is happy until that terrible scraping sound occurs.  You know what I think of you, technology?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Teachers

          "Ok, Freshman, Sophmores... Settle down. This next award goes out to the members of the swim team. We have had a wonderful season. There were fifteen swimmers and two divers. Out of this group, eleventeen have been accepted into Varsity.  Please hold your applause until all names are called.  The teacher proceeds to list the names of the students who had participated in fall sports.
           "Did he just say 'eleventeen'? " a kid asks next to me.
            I look around while I reply "He couldn't have..." I say.  I continue to peer around too see everybody giggling.  "Scratch that.  He did...."

 10 years later
High School Reunion
 
           "Hey, Mike.  Remember that time Mr./Mrs. ------- said 'eleventeen'?" a former fellow student asks.
            "HAHAHA YES!"