Ever since I was a little boy, I enjoyed discovering new techniques for killing bugs. From chemicals to Nerf guns, I use all I can grab within an arm's reach to slaughter these terrible creatures. This post will describe the numerous techniques I've tested in my years with hopes that you may utilize my tips. Good luck.
Tip 1: Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy
WHAT YOU NEED:
Swiffer Sweeper
Victim on a solid surface(carpet will work, but carcass will be tough to pick up later)
Napkin/paper towel to pick up dead bug
Angry face(this bug deserves it. You know it. I know it. No mercy.)
Strong stomach(dead bug will be bloody and crushed. The bug accepted the outcome. Can you?)
Finally, strong fingers to crush the bug's body when in the napkin. This is the double tap technique.
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak up on the insect. If the bug is a hopper, sneaking is super essential. Slowly lift the cleaning tool and bring it down quickly on the bug. If you hit the bug, hold position with the Swiffer covering the victim. To ensure that the bug isn't alive, twist the Swiffer until you know it is dead. Good luck.
Tip 2: Airsoft gun/bee-bee gun/ slingshot technique
WHAT YOU NEED:
Self explanatory
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Sneak is essential. Get ready to get dirty. The bug will explode on impact. Though this is fun because it makes the assassin feel powerful, cleanup almost ruins the fun part. Is it worth it? Good luck.
Tip 3: Fun with chemicals
WHAT YOU NEED:
Hair spray of any kind
Cleaning spray
Really anything in a spray bottle
WHAT YOU MUST DO:
Spray bug. This slows it down. Grab bug. Use double tap technique. Done.
This technique is my personal favorite because it especially works on fliers: bees, flies, etc. Crickets usually jump and freak out the sprayer. With the spray technique, the cricket starts to get sticky and can't jump. ADVICE: after spraying bug, use a toned down version of Swiffer Sweeper Slappy Pappy technique to ensure the bugs death. Unexpected jumps or flights when trying to carry out the double tap technique is horrifying. Good luck.
If you are able to utilize any of these tips, please comment and tell me. If you have any techniques I failed to mention, COMMENT THEM!!! Whoever writes the best technique wins. You don't win anything except bragging rights. Good luck, and happy bug killing/ Lollipop Day!
Stay Classy San Diego
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Shark Attack
I'm too tired to give an intro. It's three in the morning and I just want to get this thought down. This story will be very poorly written, but you'll get the gist of it, hopefully. This is a true story. 100%. It happened last year.
STORY NUMER 12
It was an overcast August day in 2013. My brother, sister, three older male cousins, and I prepare to swim across a channel. The channel is a quarter mile, give or take. We swam this channel a few times before, so we knew that it was impossible to walk across because the water was around 30 feet deep, we later estimated. This channel was located in a grove with people paddle boarding. The general area was Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. We've seen sharks a few times before on previous trips to Myrtle Beach and ignored them. Halfway through the channel, my brother asks, "What are the chances of being eaten by a shark?". My sister tries to comfort him with a simple "Don't worry about it. It won't happen." This didn't comfort him or me. Immediately following this short conversation, a fishing boat on the other side of the channel yells to us. "What are they saying?" my cousin asks. None of us knew for sure, but we later found out they were telling us the tide was coming into the channel from the ocean, which was about 200 yards away. I later looked up that when the tide comes in, the animals caught in the tide come in with it. Think about that.
So, we reach the other side. To our surprise, we see a dead albino shark with its head cut off lying on the sand near the fishing boat. We shake it off; who cares? We decide we should head back and dive back in the water. My sister gets tired and starts doing the backstroke. After about five strokes, she veers off in the wrong direction, going to the side. We try to inform her so she can go in the correct direction, but she can't hear us because of her head being in the water. At this point, we are a quarter of the way back. Suddenly, my parents yell to us to come in. I've never seen my mother so shaken up. My first thought is that lightning struck somewhere nearby and she wanted us to get out. As my brother and I slowly swim through the water, we realize this is more serious. We see a huge fin sticking out of the water, headed towards my sister. I dart in that direction, hoping to divert the giant fish from my sister's direction. When I reach my sister,(alternate, fake ending begins here: I punch the shark in the face, but he managed to bite my foot clean off. The other sharks in the area are drawn to my blood. They try to tear me to bits, but I pull out my magic wand from Hogwarts and Sectum Sempra those great whites in the face, saving my sister and myself, and quite likely the world.) (CONTINUE REAL STORY HERE)(TO UNDERSTAND, WE ARE CONTINUING AT "WHEN I REACH MY SISTER"). I grab her arm and pull her closer to the shore. My parents yell that the shark is behind us. I hear my sister scream. She cut her foot on a rock. Phew. We finally reach the sand and the shark swims away. TEAM MIKE:1 BULL SHARK:0
STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO
STORY NUMER 12
It was an overcast August day in 2013. My brother, sister, three older male cousins, and I prepare to swim across a channel. The channel is a quarter mile, give or take. We swam this channel a few times before, so we knew that it was impossible to walk across because the water was around 30 feet deep, we later estimated. This channel was located in a grove with people paddle boarding. The general area was Myrtle Beach in South Carolina. We've seen sharks a few times before on previous trips to Myrtle Beach and ignored them. Halfway through the channel, my brother asks, "What are the chances of being eaten by a shark?". My sister tries to comfort him with a simple "Don't worry about it. It won't happen." This didn't comfort him or me. Immediately following this short conversation, a fishing boat on the other side of the channel yells to us. "What are they saying?" my cousin asks. None of us knew for sure, but we later found out they were telling us the tide was coming into the channel from the ocean, which was about 200 yards away. I later looked up that when the tide comes in, the animals caught in the tide come in with it. Think about that.
So, we reach the other side. To our surprise, we see a dead albino shark with its head cut off lying on the sand near the fishing boat. We shake it off; who cares? We decide we should head back and dive back in the water. My sister gets tired and starts doing the backstroke. After about five strokes, she veers off in the wrong direction, going to the side. We try to inform her so she can go in the correct direction, but she can't hear us because of her head being in the water. At this point, we are a quarter of the way back. Suddenly, my parents yell to us to come in. I've never seen my mother so shaken up. My first thought is that lightning struck somewhere nearby and she wanted us to get out. As my brother and I slowly swim through the water, we realize this is more serious. We see a huge fin sticking out of the water, headed towards my sister. I dart in that direction, hoping to divert the giant fish from my sister's direction. When I reach my sister,(alternate, fake ending begins here: I punch the shark in the face, but he managed to bite my foot clean off. The other sharks in the area are drawn to my blood. They try to tear me to bits, but I pull out my magic wand from Hogwarts and Sectum Sempra those great whites in the face, saving my sister and myself, and quite likely the world.) (CONTINUE REAL STORY HERE)(TO UNDERSTAND, WE ARE CONTINUING AT "WHEN I REACH MY SISTER"). I grab her arm and pull her closer to the shore. My parents yell that the shark is behind us. I hear my sister scream. She cut her foot on a rock. Phew. We finally reach the sand and the shark swims away. TEAM MIKE:1 BULL SHARK:0
STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Emotional Story
Dearest Mike Thoughts For You Fans,
How have you been doing lately? I have been doing mighty fine. Hopefully, all of you child readers out there are enjoying summer. You scallywags are lucky, what with being off for two and a half months. While we adults spend the summer working, you ruffians get to sit there and rot while watching reruns of Jersey Shore. Try to do something more productive, watch midget tossing instead of the Jersey Shore. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd-sfqzFdmk Watch fully for best results. I digress, here comes story number 11. I must warn you, this story is emotional for all who experienced that day, all four of us. For full effect, I highly suggest playing the music it says to play at the certain times. I highly, highly suggest it. It will help the story change your life.
Story number 11
It was a hot, wet August day. I was with my cousins. We had recently created makeshift fishing poles by attaching a string around a wooden stick. Looking back, we must have been poor.
Anyway, we were walking to a nearby pond. After a long walk that seemed to be forever, we reached the pond and dropped in our lines. Our cousins told us about a snapping turtle that lived in the pond their whole lives. We spent the entire day before trying to catch it. We had to redeem ourselves, for we could only rest when this creature, later named Jaws, was captured. Once we arrived, there were a few other kids our age around the pond. "What are you trying to catch?" I ask. The short one of the group flips me off while the others ignore my question. It hurts on the inside.
My brother caught Jaws that day. We pulled him onto the land, he bit the line and stumbled back into the water. We were angry. This was war.
We stayed at the pond all day and all night. When it was around two PM the next day, my cousin felt a nibble. It was Jaws. We had to knock it out to bring it home, obviously.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYj8ciqAPcA Listen to this as you read the next paragraph for maximum enjoyment. also, read very slowly and out loud.
We looked for something to put it in shock. I gripped my fishing pole with both hands as I slowly lifted it. Everything felt like slow motion as I quickly bring the stick to the turtles neck. My back arches and arms extend as the stick flies through the air. When the stick is only a few inches from the animal, my right arm slides up the stick toward my left hand. The turtles pupils begin to widen, just as mine do. The other people at the pond all anticipate what is about to happen. My nostrils begin to flare and tongue swirls, licking my lips. My muscles seize up. I bring the stick right to its head; it was out cold. I pick it up by the leg and throw it in the cooler. The drive home is silent. I could've sworn I saw a single tear drip down my brother's cheek on the ride home. Our level of pride was incalculable. This next part, I swear, is true. I specifically remember this part. We took the turtle in our backyard and plopped him on the concrete. Jaws kept trying to escape. I asked if I could knock him out again, but we decided it'd be more fun to try to play with it. He kept crawling away. We had to build a barrier that he wouldn't cross. Everything we used, he'd crawl over. As Jaws crawled over a barrier of pencils, I caught an idea. As I set fire to a stack of crumpled up newspapers surrounding the poor beast, my eyes grow wider and wider and veins begin to stick out. You could see the crazy in my eyes as I bring the Irish green lighter toward a New York Post. The flame begins to grow.(TURN OFF MUSIC BEFORE CONTINUING) (SWITCH TO THIS SONG)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPW8y6woTBI listen to this for final paragraph
They eyes of Jaws seem to tear up, as I failed to take wind into account. The wind blows the flame directly into the animal. His slimy and rough skin turns crispy and burnt. As we look into the fire and the animal burns, I felt regret, yet also happiness. We conquered the beast. In that moment, all else in the world fades out except the burning carcass of the animal we had been hunting for so many years. Everything turns black around us. All I see is the turtle, almost appearing to have a spotlight on him, like the star of a show. But not today. Jaws may have once reigned supreme. But that day, as we all swayed back and forth with our arms on each other's shoulders watching the flaming corpse of the magnificent snapping turtle, we all felt the victory.
(FOR FULL EFFECT, FINISH SONG WITH EYES CLOSED AND TRY TO CAPTURE HOW WE FELT)
How have you been doing lately? I have been doing mighty fine. Hopefully, all of you child readers out there are enjoying summer. You scallywags are lucky, what with being off for two and a half months. While we adults spend the summer working, you ruffians get to sit there and rot while watching reruns of Jersey Shore. Try to do something more productive, watch midget tossing instead of the Jersey Shore. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd-sfqzFdmk Watch fully for best results. I digress, here comes story number 11. I must warn you, this story is emotional for all who experienced that day, all four of us. For full effect, I highly suggest playing the music it says to play at the certain times. I highly, highly suggest it. It will help the story change your life.
Story number 11
It was a hot, wet August day. I was with my cousins. We had recently created makeshift fishing poles by attaching a string around a wooden stick. Looking back, we must have been poor.
Anyway, we were walking to a nearby pond. After a long walk that seemed to be forever, we reached the pond and dropped in our lines. Our cousins told us about a snapping turtle that lived in the pond their whole lives. We spent the entire day before trying to catch it. We had to redeem ourselves, for we could only rest when this creature, later named Jaws, was captured. Once we arrived, there were a few other kids our age around the pond. "What are you trying to catch?" I ask. The short one of the group flips me off while the others ignore my question. It hurts on the inside.
My brother caught Jaws that day. We pulled him onto the land, he bit the line and stumbled back into the water. We were angry. This was war.
We stayed at the pond all day and all night. When it was around two PM the next day, my cousin felt a nibble. It was Jaws. We had to knock it out to bring it home, obviously.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYj8ciqAPcA Listen to this as you read the next paragraph for maximum enjoyment. also, read very slowly and out loud.
We looked for something to put it in shock. I gripped my fishing pole with both hands as I slowly lifted it. Everything felt like slow motion as I quickly bring the stick to the turtles neck. My back arches and arms extend as the stick flies through the air. When the stick is only a few inches from the animal, my right arm slides up the stick toward my left hand. The turtles pupils begin to widen, just as mine do. The other people at the pond all anticipate what is about to happen. My nostrils begin to flare and tongue swirls, licking my lips. My muscles seize up. I bring the stick right to its head; it was out cold. I pick it up by the leg and throw it in the cooler. The drive home is silent. I could've sworn I saw a single tear drip down my brother's cheek on the ride home. Our level of pride was incalculable. This next part, I swear, is true. I specifically remember this part. We took the turtle in our backyard and plopped him on the concrete. Jaws kept trying to escape. I asked if I could knock him out again, but we decided it'd be more fun to try to play with it. He kept crawling away. We had to build a barrier that he wouldn't cross. Everything we used, he'd crawl over. As Jaws crawled over a barrier of pencils, I caught an idea. As I set fire to a stack of crumpled up newspapers surrounding the poor beast, my eyes grow wider and wider and veins begin to stick out. You could see the crazy in my eyes as I bring the Irish green lighter toward a New York Post. The flame begins to grow.(TURN OFF MUSIC BEFORE CONTINUING) (SWITCH TO THIS SONG)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPW8y6woTBI listen to this for final paragraph
They eyes of Jaws seem to tear up, as I failed to take wind into account. The wind blows the flame directly into the animal. His slimy and rough skin turns crispy and burnt. As we look into the fire and the animal burns, I felt regret, yet also happiness. We conquered the beast. In that moment, all else in the world fades out except the burning carcass of the animal we had been hunting for so many years. Everything turns black around us. All I see is the turtle, almost appearing to have a spotlight on him, like the star of a show. But not today. Jaws may have once reigned supreme. But that day, as we all swayed back and forth with our arms on each other's shoulders watching the flaming corpse of the magnificent snapping turtle, we all felt the victory.
(FOR FULL EFFECT, FINISH SONG WITH EYES CLOSED AND TRY TO CAPTURE HOW WE FELT)
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